Top 20 Famous Funny Quotes
The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
-Joe E. Lewis
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
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I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
-Charles M. Schulz
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
-Robert Maynard Hutchins
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.